Sunday, 27 March 2011

Might as well watch something good...

He said, “She’s coming round tonight and I have to choose the movie. But I’ve already seen everything good. You watch a lot of foreign films, aren't there any good ones? One that would impress her?”

I said, “What do you mean ‘impress her’? What is it you want to trick her into thinking?”

“That I’m cool. You know, like I know what’s what and what’s going down. But nothing too heavy, I don’t want her bursting into tears. At least, not until we’ve had sex. And none of that black and white crap you're always watching.”

“Hmm,” I said. “Well, if you want cool, you should watch Wong Kar-Wai's Chungking Express. It’s bright and breezy."

“But if you want something a little more dark and sultry...
  try Wong Kar-Wai's Fallen Angels.”

“If you really want to blow her mind, watch them back to back.”

“Hmm,” he said. “Seems like a lot of talking. Probably means a lot of reading.”

“That’s the thing with foreign movies,” I told him. “Subtitles. Unless you plan on learning Cantonese...”

“Yeah, but,” he said, “isn’t there something a little less talky?”

“How about Yi Yi.”

“What what?”

“It’s from Taiwan.”

“Seemed a bit slow.”

“I know, that’s why I thought you’d like it.”

“Funny. I don’t want to bore her to sleep.”

At least, not until you’ve had sex. It’s very uplifting.”

“Yes, boring. Don't you know any fun, high school kids trying to get laid kinda mullarky?”

I said, “Sure. What about Battle Royale? It’s Japanese.”

“Aren’t Japanese movies all Yakuza and samurai and creepy ghosts?”

“No.”

“She does likes sushi...” he said.

“Too violent. I knew it would be.”

“How about something a little more epic? Brotherhood of the Wolf. It’s French.”

“She’ll like all the costumes, I guess. But what’s in it for me?”

“Monica Belluci naked, a crazy beast, and a kung fu fighting American Indian.”

“Wasn’t the guy from 'The Black Swan' in there too?”

“Yeah.”

“Nah, don’t like him. How about a thriller?”

Oldboy. South Korea very stylish.”

“That looked good.”

“I should warn you, there is a little incest.”

“Thanks. Next.”

“Ah,” I said, “I know the perfect one for you. Tell No One. It’s French, but based on an American bestselling novel. Very intense and exciting.”

“So it’s probably going to be remade by Hollywood?”

“Probably.”

“I'll wait.”

“Fine. How about a high concept Spanish thriller? Intacto.”

“That seemed good. In English, too.”

“Some of it. Mostly in Spanish.”

“That’s okay, I took Spanish in school.”

“No you didn’t. That's just what you say to impress girls.”

“Oh yeah, I forget my own bullshit sometimes.”

“So, that the one?”

“Actually, I think I’ll choose a Richard Curtis movie. Chicks love those, right?”

And that's when I punched him in the face.

10 comments:

Ben said...

Wong-Kar Wai is pretty much the fucking man when you're going on a date. You keep her happy and you get a few variables to juggle with. A win-win situation. I still think that In The Mood For Love was one of the most brilliant way a director represented frustrated desire (because you know, romance movies aren't about love, but about desire)

mooderino said...

i was a little disappointed with In the Mood. After the stunning camerawork of Chungking Express, Fallen Angels, and Happy Together it felt like a much more tradional, mainstream approach. It's obviously of a very high standard and gorgeous to look at, but I'm a big fan of exuberance (probably because I have so little of it myself) and was sorry he moved on.

Any foreign language movies you'd put up as modern classics?

Angela Felsted said...

Gotta love arguing over movies. It's why I hardly ever rent them anymore. Sad.

Arlee Bird said...

The only thing I've heard of here is Old Boy. It's been in my -Netflix queue for a few years but I keep passing over it. My wife doesn't like foreign films very much. She doesn't even like to watch films in Spanish and that's her first language. American action and adventure is definitely her preference.

I did get her to watch Le Moustache-- she didn't seem very impressed, but I liked it.

Lee
Tossing It Out
Twitter hashtag: #atozchallenge

mooderino said...

@Lee lol, I'm not surprised she didn't dig Le Moustache if she's into action films. You might try Brotherhood of the Wolf, there's an English dubbed version of it (as there is of Oldboy).

Girl Friday said...

Oh, those all look great, will have to rent them. I've only seen Brotherhood of the Wolf. I'm surprised you were disappointed with In The mood For love though, I LOVE that film, the music is amazing. I think your friend mighht've liked Kung Fu Hustle (no thinking required, pure fun :)

Laoch of Chicago said...

Witty post. I have not seen some of these films and appreciate the recommendations.

I think that your friend would be better off working on becoming actually cool, rather than embracing the Erving Goffman dramaturgical self and trying to appear cool. Of course I guess because of the framework in which he looks at things, that is probably impossible.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Oh, I wanted to add that the best Foreign Film I saw in the last year is Zhang Yimou's, "The Road Home," which is about ten years old. It is subtle despite seeming simple and very well rendered.

mooderino said...

@GF — Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer are both great. Stephen Chow has made a lot of comedies. In one he's an actor doing a stage version of Bruce Lee's Fist of Fury - silly but very funny. Not sure his films would impress a date though.

@Laoch — Zhang Yimou recently remade the Coen Bros' Blood Simple in Chinese. Not sure why. He's a great visualist (is that a word?). If you like his work you might like the fims of Hsiao-hsien Hou. They're a bit slow at times, but masterful.

Sylvia Ney said...

I think we all have a friend like this!

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