Thursday, 20 October 2011

Third Campaigner Challenge - Show Not Tell

Write a blog post in 300 words or less, excluding the title. The post can be in any format, whether flash fiction, non-fiction, humorous blog musings, poem, etc. The blog post should show:

  • that it’s morning, 
  • that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
  • that the MC is bored
  • that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
  • that something surprising happens.


Cheesy Feet



Even this early the sun is so scorching hot, my sweaty nose itches with the heat. Every breath tastes salty. The twins run down to the sea and fill their buckets.
“Look at my castle, Daddy,” says Milly, water sloshing onto the sand as she lurches towards me.
“That’s great, sweetie. Don’t forget, castles always have four turrets.” I don’t know what makes me say that, I have no idea how many towers a castle has.
Nobody ever listens to me, and I used to be fine with it. I never offer an opinion at work, I know they don’t care what I think. Back at school, I’d never raise my hand, even if I knew the answer (which I usually didn’t).
 “Dad, I’m hungry,” says Billy.
Flat on my back, the sand squished between my fingers and toes, I can’t move, I don’t want to move. There’s no point, there’s nothing to do. “We just had breakfast.”
“Can't you get something to eat from the house?”
“Not now, Billy.”
“I asked Mummy, but she’s sleeping.”
I sit up on my elbows. “Billy, I told you not to bother Mummy, she’s not feeling well.”
“Mummy smells funny." Billy wrinkles his nose. “She smells like cheesy feet.”
“Cheesy feet, cheesy feet,” sings Milly.
“And her head looks bendy.”
A broken neck will do that.
My whole life nobody listened to me. Then I had kids and everything changed. They listen. I don’t know how, but as soon as they ask me something, I know exactly the right thing to tell them. I’m their expert on everything.
“Okay, kids, let’s start digging. A big hole, really big. Six big steps that way, and three this way. And deep, really deep.”
“Hurray,” yells Milly. “Digging with Daddy, digging with Daddy.”


No. 79 on the linky list here

54 comments:

K.T. Hanna said...

This is great, in a really creepy way. I love his simple self confession of: A broken neck will do that.

Really well written and a great approach to the challenge.

David Powers King said...

That was just sick and wrong. And I loved it anyway. Poor kid. I sense a complex in the near future. Creepy way to end the campaign! :)

Sophia Richardson said...

How delightfully dark, Mood!

Margo Berendsen said...

Love it in a creepy way! Good job showing.

Heath said...

Nice one, Mood!

Michael Offutt said...

You told us it was hot rather than just showing us. You told us the breath was salty rather than showing us. You told us no one ever listened to the narrator. You should have shown us that by having people go..."huh? Did you just say something?"

I like it though. It's delightfully morbid. I'm telling you this rather than showing you because to show you would require a video upload of my facial expressions as I read this.

Have I been enough of a smart ass? I shall move on now. Good luck :)

mooderino said...

Thanks, will be doing the rounds checking out other entries.

Ruth Hartman Berge said...

That was terrific! I love the way everything was just a normal day at the beach and then WHAM! The twist!

bridgetstraub.com said...

Uh oh, Mummy's in trouble isn't she? Mine is #56

Juliemybird said...

So weird! I really enjoyed it. Nicely done.

Sarah Pearson said...

I love it when I don't see things coming. A particularly sick and inspired twist to have the kids help dig the grave.

Madeline Mora-Summonte said...

But what's going to happen when the kids grow up to be teenagers and won't listen to anybody? :)

Good one, Moody!

Mel Fowler said...

Cheesy feet is definitly unique, excellent job!

Brinda said...

Wow-this is dark. Digging with daddy....This sent a chill up my spine.

Doctor FTSE said...

Good one. You have a "voice" - rare.

Sheri L. Swift said...

Love the Billy & Milly! Good job! ; )

Claire said...

Awww, 'digging with Daddy" - horrible! The title never gave it away. Great writing, if kinda scary.

Angela Cothran said...

Fantastic characterization! I love that I know exactly why she is dead :) Great "showing" I'm off to vote!

Jen said...

Fantastic! Completely creepy and unsettling, which I love! :) Most of all I love that I should hate this guy, but I don't. I kind of like him!

Mine is #25.

MISH said...

Uh oh, seems like mum's in 'grave danger' LOL!
Was it because she "didn't want to listen"... for whatever reason?
This is dark and chilling...
(My entry no.#47)

Jess said...

*Gasp* WHOA. What a surprise! Well done! :)

Jessica Therrien said...

Holy smokes! What a twist...great story. Kinda creepy. You've got yourself a new follower :) Mine is #70.

S P Mount said...

A quiet guy, snapped, obviously, just like mummy's neck - she was probably a right old beach anyway - and the good thing is no one will ever suspect him.

Enjoyed the normalcy that he was able to maintain around the naive little kids... makes me wonder what he'll tell them tomorrow about how mummy will never be seen again. Nicely written, and I enjoyed peeking through some of your other blogs centred around the art of writing.

meradeth said...

This was so deliciously creepy! Great job!

Carrie Butler said...

That was so disturbing. I loved it! :D

Tara Tyler said...

its the calm, quiet ones you have to watch out for.
and wait till the kids hit their teens, then see how much hey listen!
great job!

Medeia Sharif said...

I did not expect that. Creepy. Great job. I'm off to vote.

Katie Dodge said...

Wowza, I didn't expect that! I loved it. Nicely done. :)

Christine Rains said...

Wow! Totally not what I was expecting. Good job! Great imagery and I like the whole cheesy feet thing.

The Golden Eagle said...

I love the contrast between the character's calmness and the fact his wife broke her neck. That was completely unexpected.

Great entry!

Abby Fowers said...

Oh my gosh! I was not ready for that ending! I love a good surprise! This was great.

Maeve Frazier said...

Ooooh!! Creepy! I loved it!

Fairview said...

Oh, nice and twisty ending. Good job! And the title made me laugh.

Miranda Hardy said...

Wow! Creepy. Love it. I didn't see that coming.

Christine said...

Cheesy feet... 'and a broken neck will do that'... *lovely* lines.... well done!!

Super Happy Jen said...

It's good that she gets the chance to enjoy her injury. Even a broken neck won't keep the kids off your back.

thepatientdreamer.com said...

Whoa!, wondered where you were going. Great Title, just had to come and check it out.
#101

J. A. Bennett said...

That is sooo creepy!

Lydia Kang said...

Weird but great. I must admit, you had me at your title, "Cheesy Feet."

L.A Speedwing said...

same here...The title intrigued me...well now I know...so just to understand this right, she got smelly feet because her neck is broken? Did I get this right? ;-/

Candy Fite said...

Oh my, what a twisted character you've created! Great job with your entry. :)) Thanks for your recent follow!

mooderino said...

thanks for all the comments, much appreciated. I've been trying to read as many entries as possible, hopefully I got to yours.


And big thanks to Rachael, a splendid effort on the blogfest front. Well done, Rach.

E. Arroyo said...

That's so wrong in a funny sort of way. =)

Jes said...

Decidedly normal guy on a decidedly normal day at the beach. 'Cept for the whole wife-killer thing ... and the whole kid gravedigging thing ... errr ... lol. Nice twist!

Chipper Muse said...

Definitely a surprise ending! Nicely done. And thanks for stopping by my blog to read my entry. :)

julie fedderson said...

It's always the nice ones that harbor the inner sociopath. Loved the ending, and the title is so deceptive.

Deniz Bevan said...

Well at first I thought it was sweet. But now I want to know who caused that broken neck...

Susan Barclay said...

Oh my! What a wicked mc! Great job of showing not telling. Although it's fiction, I feel for the kids, who are now going to help their father bury their mother... :(

Mark said...

Aloha,

Looks like you and I (next door to you #80) decided to go down the dark, scary path! Loved the story, after "cheesy feet" attracted my attention!

Barbara V. Evers said...

Wow! Didn't see that coming.

cleemckenzie said...

Very creepy. Was not expecting that. You're moving on to round two of the voting.

Holly Vance said...

Woooowwwwww. This is great! So creepy.

I'm gonna listen to everybody now.

Heather said...

You successfully put me there...next to that PSYCHO! GOOD JOB! :)

Jen said...

What a great twist and take on the challenge. I've had the pleasure of judging Challenge #3 and you are moving onto Round 2!

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