Thursday, 8 September 2011

First Campaigner Challenge



My entry for the First Campaigner Challenge. I will be doing the rounds checking out the competition.

Write a short story/ story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open”. 


The door swung open. There was no one there. It might have been the wind, but it would take a pretty strong gust to push open a locked door.
            I sat frozen in my chair as the sound of footsteps came closer. And closer. There was just me in the room. Just me, my books, and that presence.
            The footsteps stopped. The pen on the desk next to me rolled from side to side and then rose into the air.
“Who’s there?” I said, voice trembling. Trembling with excitement.
My whole life I had sought proof for the existence of an afterlife, whether it be demons or angels or poltergeist, and here it was when I’d all but given up. Year and years of being laughed at, of being made to look a fool, of  a family’s disappointment weighing heavy. I didn’t feel scared, I felt elated. Finally, finally.
            The pen left a scrawl across the top page of my research notes. It read: I still feel the raw sting of Father’s death. His failures were too great a burden. At least now he will have found his answer.
            There was no mistaking my son’s handwriting.

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I'm currently subbing the latest draft of my WiP "Planet Janet" over on www.critiquecircle.com, if you're a member please give it a look to see if maybe you'd be interested in doing a crit. It's in the Mystery-Horror-Suspense queue. I return all reads. 

If you aren't a member of Critique Circle, why the hell not? Easily the best online workshop for getting feedback on your writing. Bar none.

41 comments:

WB Terrien said...

200 words is not enough! I want to read more!

Good luck from a fellow Campaigner! :)

Sarah Pearson said...

I love it when I don't see the end coming. Great way to turn a 'standard' idea on its head. Nice one.

Samantha said...

I REALLY liked that! Great job! Can you possibly keep going with that? I want to know more :)

Sarah Wedgbrow said...

At first I was like "whaaaaat?"...I reread it and was like "oooooh." Perhaps I need some coffee. Now that I "get" it, I think it's pretty nifty. I love a good twist where assumptions are turned on their head without betraying the reader's trust. cool stuff!

Ann said...

Very nice twist to the story. I too had to go back and read it again. I love stories like that.

Donna K. Weaver said...

I love it! But so sad.

Donna K. Weaver said...

And creepy at the end. Is dad dead and doesn't know it?

Michael Offutt said...

Nice paranormal angle on this Moody. I've assigned a judge to your group so someone will be coming by shortly to officially rate it.

Sarah McCabe said...

Great twist. I didn't see it coming.

MISH said...

*shivers* That was C-R-E-E-P-Y but an excellent piece ! Great twist too !
My entry at no.#59

Cheryl said...

Love that! Did not see the end coming until 'smack' there it was. Nice, evocative piece with a sad twist at the end.

Jenna Cooper said...

Woah, totally not expecting the ending there! Nice!

Julie Coulter Bellon said...

Great twist! Loved the idea.

julie fedderson said...

Oh, I loved the ending--was expecting a ghost story, but you gave me a whole different picture with the father/son angle. Great job!

bridgetstraub.com said...

Very nicely done. I was in the room with them. Mine is #72

Melissa Dean said...

Wonderful! Eerie in the best way! If you want to read mine, it's #346!

Jen said...

I love the twist in this, Mood!

Neil Vogler said...

Nicely written. Enjoyed that a lot. Good, clean language and a straightforward narrator. Just enough detail to help you fill in the blanks. Good work.

Helen said...

Thought the twist wasn't just a straightforward twist, but a clever one. Good mix of intrigue and supernatural elements. Enjoyed it.

mooderino said...

Thanks for all the comments and kind words. Have been visiting all your entries, and the competition is pretty fierce!

Crystal said...

NIcely done! I love a good plot twist! :-)

LD Masterson said...

I love that kind of ending.

TL Conway said...

Oh... creepy. I actually enjoyed the buildup to the ghost getting there more so than the twist at the end, which says a lot because I enjoyed the last line immensely!

Halli Gomez said...

Great job. I had no idea where that was going. It's amazing how much you can say in 200 words! Thanks!

The Golden Eagle said...

Great ending! But sad that it was the character's son who finally proved the existence of the afterlife to him.

My entry.

The Stray said...

I saw the twist coming...but then, I saw The Others, so that sort of twist was already lurking in my brain. Still, very good for flash fiction.

mooderino said...

thanks to everyone for commenting, much appreciated.

Sonia Lal said...

Did not see that end coming! Very nice.


(I am number 55 on the linky list)

Dawn M. Hamsher said...

Ohhhh, no, Poor Daddy. Very neat entry.

Michael Di Gesu said...

Fantastic Mood. I really enjoyed your entry. A very unexpected twist.

Good luck in the challenge.

Medeia Sharif said...

Great twist at the end and I like the creepy factor.

Have a great weekend.

kineticwriting/juliet said...

Wow! I'd like to read more. Thanks! :)

Alica McKenna Johnson said...

Wonderful- so didn't see that ending

Holly Vance said...

An interesting perspective. I like it.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

That was probably one of the best submissions I've read from the Crusade. Love the creepy factor. :)

Charmaine Clancy said...

Think I missed this challenge - I need a personal assistant.
Excellent punch line!
Wagging Tales - Blog for Writers

Amanda Milner said...

Oohhhhh! Nice twist!! I love stuff like that!

Arlee Bird said...

What a teaser! And now for the rest of the story.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Tara said...

Very nicely done - so intriguing!

Heather said...

Oh good heavens! I need to know more...like right now! Good show! I was pulled in and taken for a ride, then spun around and left out in the woods blindfolded with no moon...please tell me you are following this up? I'm beyond captivated.

Francesca Zappia said...

Great job! I loved the suspense and the twist ending! This was really well done.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, by the way--I followed back! ^_^

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